


all I want is what I can't have

by Stjosten



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, First Kiss, Fluff, Late Night Car Rides, M/M, Pining, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, neil is pining for Andrew's car
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stjosten/pseuds/Stjosten
Summary: A High School AU where Neil pines, Andrew drives, and Nicky doesn't know how to mind his own business.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 58
Kudos: 522
Collections: ANDREIL





	all I want is what I can't have

Neil Hatford was enamored by Andrew Minyard. There was really no logical explanation for it, not one that Neil could find anyway. 

He thought Andrew’s hands were sort of pretty in a dangerous way. He thought Andrew’s calm and imposing demeanor was both grounding and intimidating. He thought Andrew’s eyes were deep pots of Molten Honey. He wanted to take two steps in and let himself sink into the burning heat.

Andrew Minyard was dangerous. 

He was the sound of his car accelerating and reaching nearly 90 miles per hour on the deserted highway in the middle of the night. He was every tense muscle in Neil’s legs after he ran too far and too fast at every track meet. He was the sun burning too brightly overhead in the middle of the summer. 

Neil was enamored. 

It started like most things started in Neil’s life, suddenly and without preamble. 

Neil had been attending Columbia High School for an entire year when he finally caught sight of Andrew. Not his twin, the one that Neil shared half of his classes with, who seemed to think that Neil was a walking disaster and didn’t hesitate to tell him as such whenever he got the chance. 

No, the sight of Andrew was something different.

Neil had been leaving school at the end of the day, ready to start his long walk back to his Uncle’s house in the scorching South Carolina heat, when he saw him. Leaning against the brick wall by the student parking, looking rather out of place in all black, his hair sticking up in every direction as if he had been running his fingers through it. A cigarette was vicariously hanging from his lips and his molten honey eyes had caught Neil’s own icy blue in a passing moment. 

It should have been a passing moment. Neil shouldn’t have let his eyes linger any longer on Andrew Minyard. But they did. They lingered and surprisingly, Andrew’s lingered right back. 

It started with staring. 

Neil found himself in the library, tutoring his long term, forced best friend Allison Reynolds, most days of the week after classes. It was on a particularly difficult test week when Neil saw Andrew again. 

He hadn’t realized he had been staring until golden eyes had shifted and found his own. Andrew was sitting at a table across the library, his black boots sitting atop the table as he leaned back dangerously far in his wooden chair. He was twisting a blue pen between his fingers and Neil had the unexplainable want to have those fingers twisted around his own. 

Allison had kicked him under the table to bring him back to _Calculus, you absolute disaster! What are you even staring at?_ Neil decided to pretend it was nothing. 

It wasn’t nothing. 

Weeks had passed since their first staring contest outside the school and each time Neil found himself within a 30 meter radius of Andrew Minyard, his eyes would find him. Like a magnet finding a piece of precious metal. 

Neil’s friends had caught on and teased him insistently for it. Allison told him that he went blurry eyed whenever he caught sight of Andrew. Matt said he would tense and his fingers would twitch whenever Andrew was close enough to touch. Dan would laugh boisterously at him and call it puppy love. Seth remained impassively quiet about the entire thing. And, Renee, intimidatingly sweet Renee would give Neil a knowing look and a smile that made Neil feel like she knew something that he didn’t know. 

For the first time in Neil’s very short and yet very long life, he wanted something. It was unfortunate that that something was a walking red flag with disheveled blonde hair and dripping-with-honey hazel eyes. 

It wasn’t until the second semester of his Senior year that things started to shift every slightly in his favor. 

Classes switched over, he was now without Aaron Minyard in every other class, but the classes that did change had left him with a new person that decided to inform Neil how much of a disaster he was. That person came in the form of Nicky Hemmick. Neil was very much aware that he was Andrew and Aaron’s much nicer, much more social cousin. He was also very much aware that Nicky was observant and had the eyes of an all knowing cupid when he caught Neil looking at Andrew, for longer than was necessary, in their Mystery Literature class. 

The entire Minyard-Hemmick family could fuck off, for all Neil cared. For which he cared very little, or maybe too much. He didn’t want to admit to anyone that he thought Andrew Minyard was interesting, didn’t want to admit that he watched the way his hands flexed on his desk in class as if he was itching for a cigarette. Neil didn’t want to admit that he was watching Andrew. And he didn’t want to admit to himself that sometimes _Andrew was watching back._

It was nearing the end of the school year when Nicky had finally decided to intervene in a very Nicky sort of way. 

He stopped Neil outside of their German class, a class that both boys were passing with straight A's because both were fluent in said language, how they had gotten away with taking it was beyond Neil, and effectively cornered Neil at the end of the hallway with no way out. Nicky was either going to kill him in the secluded hallway, or he was going to dish a piece of gossip that Neil really, really didn’t want to hear. 

Turned out it was neither.

“So,” Nicky had said, looking rather proud of himself, “All of us are going to the summer concert on the green this weekend.” 

Neil didn’t bother asking who all of us was, he knew that Nicky was friends with Neil’s friends. He also knew that Nicky didn’t go anywhere without two 5 foot tall, blonde shadows. Neil was going to have to say no. 

“You should come with us! It’s going to be so much fun! _Everyone_ will be there, including Matt and Allison. And, Matt’s older brother bought us a shit ton of alcohol, so afterwards we're going to go back to mine and get fucked up. You in?” 

His smile was megawatt and Neil had to blink the black spots from his eyes before he could really look at Nicky properly. 

“I don’t drink,” Neil recited, as he often did when someone asked him to go to a party. 

“That’s okay!” Nicky exclaimed, “You can just hang out with us! You never come out with us. I mean what do you even do for fun?” 

“Run.” 

“That isn’t fun, Neil. That’s just… that’s just sad.” 

Neil attempted to shoulder past Nicky so he could head to his next class, but it was a fool’s errand. Nicky kept him in place with a firm hand on the strap of his bag. 

“You have to go,” Nicky said, “Everyone will be there. Allison can pick you up tomorrow at 6. Okay?” 

Neil didn’t think he had a choice. 

“Fine.” 

Nicky’s smile was a thousand stars burning off in a galaxy far away. Neil blinked away the black spots again. 

“Yay! I’m so excited!” He pulled Neil into a half-hug, one that was far too crushing for one arm, and released him back into the sea of students. 

“See you then!” 

Neil felt like he had made a very big mistake.

*

On Friday, the day of the supposed concert, Neil had found himself pacing around the front room of his Uncle’s house waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Stuart didn’t say anything, but Neil caught his head poking in from the other room every once in while as if to check if Neil was still pacing a hole in his front room. 

“What has you so tense?” He asked finally, after the seventh time checking in on Neil and seeming to be either fed up or curious about the entire situation. 

“I’m going out,” Neil stated. It was answer enough, because Stuart’s face lit up with sheer surprise. 

“Really?” He asked, finally entering the room fully and leaning against the door frame to the kitchen, “Where are you going?”

“A concert.” 

“Oh the one on the green.” 

“Unfortunately.” 

“Don’t be so miserable, Neil,” Stuart said, it had been months since Stuart had finally started calling Neil by his new chosen name but each time sent a thrill through Neil’s chest, “You’re friends are nice enough. You may even have some fun.” 

Neil sent him an award winning scowl which was only met by a guffaw.

“When was the last time you went out with friends?” Stuart asked, “Two years ago? Three?” 

“I don’t remember,” Neil admitted. He hadn’t been very good at making friends when he had started at Columbia High School. The same drill of _trust no one_ that his mother had taught him, had been so ingrained in his psyche that he couldn’t bring himself to look anyone directly in the eye for the first two month of school. It took Stuart forcing his business partner’s daughter, Allison Reynolds, to befriend him for the walls Neil had carefully kept around him, to start to crumble. 

With Allison came the others, Matt, Dan, Renee, and Seth. And now, well, now he had more friends than was absolutely necessary and it seemed that Nicky wanted to force more onto him. 

“That’s my point,” Stuart said, “This could be good for you.” 

Could be, may be, might be. Neil thought it was more dangerous than anything. He was going to be within arms reach of Andrew Minyard, and that in and of itself was making his stomach churn uncomfortable. It was to the point that he thought he might puke it someone poked him the wrong way.

“What’s really bothering you, Neil?” Stuart asked, “You don’t usually panic this much. Not anymore.” 

Neil shook his head and pretended that he wasn’t having a straight up gay-crisis over a boy with pale blonde hair and a smattering of soft freckles over his - _fuck_. Neil was fucked.

The doorbell rang and Neil froze completely, staring at the door as if his father was standing on the other side with a cleaver in his hand. 

Stuart let out a sigh and placed a calming hand on Neil’s shoulder as he passed him to get to the door. Neil soaked in the warmth until it was gone. He watched with wide eyes as Stuart opened the door. 

Allison was on the other side, looking between Stuart and Neil as if she had interrupted something. 

“You good?” She asked, looking to Neil and pointedly meeting his gaze even if Neil tried to turn his head away. 

“Peachy.” 

“Great!” Stuart said, coming up behind Neil and giving him a generous shove toward the door, “Have fun! Don’t stay out too late. Don’t drink and drive and all that nonsense. Is your phone charged? Good, call me if you need me. Goodbye!” 

He practically shoved Neil out the door and closed it behind him without a second thought. Allison let out a loud, full belly laugh that had Neil smirking back at her. 

“God,” She said, running a finger under her eye as if she had been crying, “You looked like you were going to puke.” 

“I still might,” Neil conceded. Allison laughed again and hooked an arm through his own before dragging him to the bright pink Porsche parked in front of the house. 

“You’ll be fine,” She said, “Besides, aren’t you excited to see to see your big huge-”

“Please stop,” Neil pleaded.

“God it’s just too easy,” Allison laughed. Neil groaned and got in the car.

*

Neil’s crush on Andrew Minyard was a problem. Not because Andrew might not like him back, no there was very clearly something in the way Andrew watched him that said that he was looking at Neil the same way Neil was looking at him, no it was because Neil was a walking disaster and Andrew deserved better. 

It was simple really. Neil didn’t deserve to have a “happy ever after” he deserved to live the rest of his life in practiced solitude with maybe two or three cats to share an unimpressive house with, where he would inevitably die of old age or some illness that he never bothered to have treated. 

That was Neil’s fate. 

Andrew was meant to drive fast expensive cars and be surrounded by his found family with cigarettes every night and drinks in between. He deserved to have a whole person, not the half lie half-shell of a person that was Neil Hatford. Neil had convinced himself that pining from afar was for the best. He was not meant to be loved. He was born to die by his father’s hand, and when that didn’t happen, he had realized that he was meant to die on his own. It was the only way. 

But it seemed Andrew didn’t take the hint. 

The concert was boring and the only interesting thing that was happening was that Kevin Day and Aaron Minyard had gotten into two arguments about soccer stats that had ended with Nicky laughing at them and the rest of them taking sides. The rest of the event was rather lackluster. They drank and giggled and curled up on their blankets in the middle of the grassy field. 

At one point Allison had pointed out their gym teacher who had two beers, one in each hand, and was definitely more drunk than was deemed appropriate for a public setting. The other’s had laughed and Neil had simply watched him with a sinking feeling in his stomach before turning away. 

Andrew showed up about halfway through looking as he always did. 

Hair disheveled, cigarette hanging from his lips, a patch covered denim jacket on, his black jeans ripped and exposing the skin just above his knee. Neil’s eyes definitely didn’t linger longer than was absolutely necessary to acknowledge his existence. His eyes _definitely_ didn’t sweep over him from head to toe. 

Neil felt unimpressive in his loose t-shirt and jeans rolled up to the tops of his calves. He brushed the fringe of his hair out of his eyes and looked away. 

“Andrew!” Nicky had yelled, “You made it!” 

“Unfortunately,” Andrew replied in his usual bored drawl. Neil felt it run along his spine and left a flickering feeling of warmth at the base of his neck. If anyone noticed his full body shiver then they said nothing. 

“Sit!” Nicky said, gesturing to the spot between Neil and himself. Neil wanted to get up and walk away but he thought it was too obvious. He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on the tops of his knees. He tried not to watch as Andrew gave Renee a gentle fist bump, nodded in the direction of his twin, and picked up a beer from the cooler beside Allison. He sat down between Nicky and Neil and kept his cousin entertained by listening to his incessant rambling about the band. 

Neil was far too distracted to hear whatever they were saying. Andrew was close enough to touch. Their hips were inches apart. Neil could practically feel the warmth radiating off of Andrew. It left him feeling starved. 

Neil wanted. He wanted. He wanted.

Neil stood up. 

“Where are you going?” Allison called, but Neil didn’t stop. He walked straight out of the crowd, past the stage and out toward the back parking lot. He sat himself down on a bench and placed his face in his hands. 

He didn’t deserve it did he? Did he deserve all of those people that wanted him? The ones that he considered friends? 

Neil let out a low breath and counted to ten in every language he knew. He didn’t feel anymore settled.  
The crunching of grass told him he wasn’t alone. Neil had time to react, he turned and watched as Andrew dropped down onto the bench beside him, looking as unimpressed as he had the first day their eyes had locked. 

“Running?” he asked, catching Neil’s eyes with his own golden hue. 

Neil _wanted_. 

“No,” Neil said, “Clearly.”

“Could have fooled me.” 

“I was going to come back,” Neil stated but Andrew only shrugged. 

He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and lit two at once. He handed one off to Neil, who took it with ease, before taking a drag of his own. 

“Problem?” Andrew asked. 

Neil wanted to say, yes. He wanted to say, yes, Andrew, you are in fact my problem. My stupidly attractive, mysterious, blonde haired problem. 

Andrew flicked his hand to ash his cigarette and Neil would have given anything to know what those fingers felt like in his hair, against his skin, around his neck, in his mouth. 

Neil let out a loud groan and placed his head back into his hands. Andrew let out an amused breath as if he knew exactly what Neil had been thinking about. 

“Want to know what I do when I feel like fucking off somewhere?” Andrew asked rather conversationally. Neil was sure he had never heard him talk so much, but was enjoying the easy drawl of his voice and the lingering warmth that it left in the pit of Neil’s stomach. 

“What?” He asked, sounding far too winded for someone who hadn’t moved in several minutes. 

“I go for a drive.” 

Neil dropped his hands and watched Andrew for a moment. They stared at each other as they had been staring at each other for weeks, for months. Andrew opened his mouth and released a breath of smoke that lifted up into the sky and disappeared with the clouds. Neil watched the lingering smoke hang around Andrew’s lips. 

“Want to go for a ride?” He asked, his voice sounded so far away. 

“Yeah.”

That was how it started. A single car ride that lasted well over two hours that had been filled with light bickering and easy laughs, more from Neil than Andrew, and filled with emphatic truths, shared cigarettes, and whispered secrets that neither had shared with anyone else before. 

Neil had never felt more real than he did with the windows down in the passenger seat of Andrew’s Maserati, a car that whispered Andrew’s name when it accelerated. He felt the vibrations of the engine to the sensitive inside of his stomach, but instead of causing him to panic it settled something in him. Neil felt settled. Real. Alive. 

They had driven for so long that when Andrew had pulled up in front of Stuart Hatford’s house Neil had realized that he had forgotten who he really was. A Hatford. A Wesninski. A liar. 

Neil let his head lean back against the seat and he had let his eyes get lost in molten honey and he let his pinky hook around Andrew’s for a second, a minute, an hour, until he finally released a breath he didn’t know he was holding and got out of the car.

He didn’t look back as he walked into the house, and he didn’t talk to Stuart as he stomped off to his bedroom. He didn’t leave his room until Sunday and by the time he did he had finally reminded himself why he couldn’t have Andrew Minyard. 

*

Once they had started it seemed that they couldn’t stop. It was like participating in a car accident. Sometimes you can’t delay the inevitable. Which is why Neil is not surprised to find Andrew outside his house at 2 in the morning, just a week after their late night car drive that had ended in a two day long panic attack for Neil. He wasn’t sure he could handle it a second time, but he hadn’t even given himself the chance to say no. He simply walked the short distance from Stuart’s front door to the Maserati and got inside. 

They went out on drives regularly. Nothing else really changed. 

Andrew had whispered about every foster home he had ever lived in before Betsy Dobson had adopted him. He whispered about the Spears and their heavy handed son, who was now spending 20 years in prison for multiple abuse cases. Neil felt the familiar satisfaction at that as he did when his father had taken his last breath right in front of him. 

Neil had whispered his own truths into the dark interior of the car. Told Andrew the gory details of his childhood. Let the story of his mother’s breakdown and attempts to flee finally free from his lips. Talked about his serial killer father who was far too comfortable cutting open his own child with a sharp blade and a smile on his lips.

Somewhere between the Hatford house and the I-20, Neil and Andrew had stopped being acquaintances. They shared cigarettes and truths and if Neil was feeling particularly starved, he would reach out and hook his pink under Andrew’s where it settled on the stick shift. 

Neil tried to remind himself why this was a bad idea but more often than not, in the safe interior of the Maserati, he drew a blank. He couldn’t remember why he had told himself not to let Andrew in. But once Andrew had dropped him off hours later he remembered. 

No one could ever love a Wesninski. But sometimes what they were doing was teetering very dangerously close to that line. 

One particular night had left Neil feeling out of sorts. He had woken up frustrated. He had sat through all of his classes with a scowl on his face. He had even bitten an insult at Nicky, something that was so uncommon and sudden that Nicky had looked as if Neil had punched him in the face. 

Andrew had noticed the foul mood in their Mystery Literature class. He had given Neil a lingering, questioning look before turning back to face the front of the classroom. 

That night was different from the rest. 

They had gone on long winded car rides more times than Neil could remember off the top of his head. But tonight was different. 

They had gotten on the highway and Andrew had only driven for a few miles before he pulled off and forced Neil into the driver’s seat. There was something about controlling the beast of a car that settled the never ending frustration in the pit of Neil’s stomach. He had driven faster than he had ever felt comfortable going, pushing the car to the insane speeds that Andrew often reached when they were alone on the deserted highway. 

Neil felt Andrew’s stare on him the entire time. But he said nothing. 

An hour passed before they reached a rest area. The entire place was devoid of people, except for the occasional parked car that was dark and full of sleeping passengers. 

Neil pulled over, parked, and turned off the car. He stared straight ahead, not letting his eyes turn to catch Andrew’s. 

“What is it?” Andrew asked, his voice was too soft, too quiet in the space between them, it filled Neil with too many feelings. Longing. Wanting.

Neil turned. Andrew reached out just as Neil did. Their hands found the other in the dark. Blue met golden hazel. Neil let out a breath. Andrew leaned forward. Neil didn’t close his eyes. Their lips touched. 

Everything stopped and started itself all over again. Kissing Andrew was like driving the Maserati. Loud, angry, fast, too much. Andrew’s hands found his cheeks and Neil, not wanting to push the boundaries too far, let his fingers curl into the sleeves of Andrew’s black hoodie. 

Neil had never kissed someone before. Nothing that felt like this. 

It started slow and warm until Neil’s lips were parting to let out a relieved sigh, as if he had been holding his breath his entire life until this moment, and Andrew took the offering for what it was and kissed him harder. 

Time was nothing when he was kissing Andrew. And Andrew kissed him like he was a starving man and Neil was the closest thing to a drink of water that he had ever had. 

They pulled away only to rest their foreheads together. Neil hadn’t realized he had unbuckled his seat belt until he was half over the center console, letting Andrew ease him into his lap. Warm hands found their way up Neil’s thighs until they settled on his waist, pulling him impossibly closer until the jagged edges of Andrew and Neil were so blurred together that they were now one creature curled around two hearts and hungry mouths. 

Neil let Andrew kiss him until he couldn’t remember any of his past names. He let Andrew kiss him until the frustration of the day melted into nothing but the parting of warm slick lips and the occasional brush of tongue against tongue. 

Andrew pulled back first and pressed his face into the crook of Neil’s neck, letting out a harsh, low breath of air that sent a shiver all the way down to Neil’s toes. 

Neil finally, _finally_ , let his fingers run through the soft and constantly disheveled blonde hair. He scratched along Andrew’s scalp until he was letting out soft noises of content against the column of Neil’s neck.

They held onto each other for much longer than they should have. Neil let himself feel it for once, the feeling of wanting to carve a hole between Andrew’s ribs so he could curl himself inside and never leave. Andrew ran his hands up and down Neil’s back several times before sitting back, removing his face from the now sticky from warmth breath, skin of Neil’s neck. 

They stared at each other for what felt like hours. Neil pushed blonde hair in every direction, as gently as someone like him could be, and Andrew let his fingers curl into the soft fabric of Neil’s shirt, the heat of his fingertips leaving scorching marks against Neil’s covered skin. 

“Finally,” Andrew said softly into the space between them. Neil let out a startled breath and then leaned forward to steal one last kiss off of Andrew’s soft lips. 

“You like me,” Neil stated, but it sounded like a question and an observation mixed with his need for reassurance. Andrew huffed out a breath that sounded like a laugh to Neil’s ears and Neil couldn’t stop the splitting grin that took over his face. 

“Since I first saw you,” Andrew stated. 

“When?” 

“Last year. In Bio.” 

“Bio?” Neil asked, “We didn’t have bio together.” 

“No you had it with Aaron.” 

“Then- how? I never saw you?” 

“Aaron got sick a week before the final and didn’t want to miss class. I pretended to be him for a few days.” 

Neil gaped at him. “No way.” 

Andrew’s lips were lifted up a curl of a smile that left a warm lingering sensation in Neil’s chest. 

“People actually do that?” 

“Twins,” Andrew clarified, “Twins do that.” 

“You’re unbelievable. Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Andrew shrugged before saying, “Why didn’t you?” 

Neil knew why he didn’t and he suspected Andrew did too. 

“I don’t deserve this,” Neil said, gesturing to the space between them, “This doesn’t happen to people like me.” 

“You mean people like us.” 

Neil stared into the dark golden brown of Andrew’s eyes until he found what he was looking for.

“You _like_ me.” Neil said and he was teasing. 

Andrew sighed, he reached out and opened the door and pushed Neil out into the parking lot. Neil immediately missed Andrew’s close warmth but he was too busy smiling to complain about it. 

“I hate you.” Andrew got out after him and gestured for Neil to get into the passenger seat.

“Liar.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes and walked around the car once Neil was safely tucked inside. He got back behind the wheel and turned the car on, driving them out of the rest area and back onto the highway. 

They sat in comfortable silence the entire ride back. Neil no longer felt the lingering sense of frustration and longing that he had in the beginning of the day. He let the vibrations from the car underneath him soothe every ache in his chest and he let the casual lean of Andrew’s body in the seat beside him smooth his jagged edges. 

Neil reached out and let his hand hover over Andrew’s above the stick shift. He waited only a moment longer before letting his fingers slot between Andrew’s. He felt the way Andrew’s hand clenched and unclenched before he was curling his fingers around Neil’s. 

Neil let his head fall back into the seat and watched Andrew drive. One hand curled around the steering wheel while the other clutched both Neil and the stick shift with easy force. 

“Staring,” Andrew said with no real heat. 

“Always.” Neil said back.

Andrew only laughed a little at him. 

It felt like a win.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow so yeah. This is the first thing I have ever posted here. /feels weird but I wanted to share anyway. Low key inspired by the late night car drives from TRC with Gansey and Blue. I just enjoy soft pining boys trying to figure themselves out. Let them live.  
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://stjosten.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Update: I wanted to add that the title is from the song [All I Want is Nothing by Frank Iero.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeKzroxIIlE) If that song doesn't scream andreil vibes then I don't know what does.


End file.
